Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
