Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.
I really want to throw this drink in your face but it was 6 dollars that shits expensive
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
I hate waking up Sunday morning and thinks "how many friends did I lose last night".... Normally it's between 1-5.
He brought me flowers and then spanked me with a Doctor Who paddle. Pretty good night, as these things go.
Awwwwwww!
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
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