i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Your dad touched me again.
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
