Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
dressing as green man for st patrick's day = free drinks all night long
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
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