Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
Randomize
