ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
The guy at McDonald's just told us there is no flash photography allowed.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Why do I think he'd like to keep my hair in a box?
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
