I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
Randomize
