I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
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