Just got the American Express annual summary for 2009. The amount of bars we visited last year is impressive.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
Randomize
