you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I witness him finger a girl behind the dj decks yet I'm still going to meet up with him. Wtf is my life
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
