margs and chips and queso make the world go round
well and inertia
currently walking past a fire hyrdrant with a hose already attatched.. this could be dangerous..
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Is it hot in here? Is the room moving? Its moving. The room is moving. Its spinning like a top. Have you ever been covered in puke? What are you doing?
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
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