...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Why do bread and butter chips remind me of eating out your mom?
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
