The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
My roommate is watching gummy bears "race" from a mega-marshmallow to his lava lamp.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I wish I was there to have sex with you on the plane to lessen your anxiety.
That's the nicest thing anyone has over said to you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Steve watched craig and I have sex from the top level of his cat tower this morning.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
Randomize
