he thinks he's going to hurt your feelings
He can't hurt my feelings
I don't have feelings.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
he was having a black light party and drinking manischewitz wine out of a three foot tall trophy he stole from mcdonald's...that's when I decided it was time to leave
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
where are my eyebrows?
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
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