you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
I understand, but unless there is an intervention for me being planned, i DON NOT want to talk about my life choices
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
it was cool until he whispered 'sounds like you need a good dicking' with a completely serious face and i just lost it
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Its like your face is a pile of corn and I'm a chicken
...What??
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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