Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
And my only real exposure to Russian culture is you and Internet porn.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
Can't. I'm doing shots with my mom.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
I’m glad they have a happy marriage but why do they have to inflict it on the rest of us?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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