I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
shit I'm tired of wearing other peoples clothes to bed
She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep
It's like a challenge who can be the biggest embarrassment to the family. I win 80% of the time.
I've reached the point in my life where I desire cats more than men
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
Even blacked out me knows not to sleep with socks on
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
i out mim tonsoeep
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