Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
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