How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
my mom called me mid shot and i accidentally answered and kept calling her my own name. somehow i thought that would help the situation.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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