allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You don't know bruises until you've been banged by 3 drunk bagpipers in the back of thier bus
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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