Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I'm so horny!
I'm so hungry
WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!
For your pussy...
I met the friendliest cop last night
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
It would seem she's painting a bullseye right in between her legs
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
Randomize
