Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?
I get to be your mom.
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
The closest thing to a sext that you will ever receive from me is a picture of pepperonis on Greg's asscheeks, clenching.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I got turned off after he said, "i can see us in the future...me, you, and a back yard full of alpacas."
She wants to go furniture shopping for memorial day so we've gotta go portable
thermos full of jaeger bombs?
Affirmative
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
Listen, she cheated on him first. I've known both of them since we were 12. They have no secrets from me. And yes, as a matter of fact, I absolutely did enjoy screaming out his name into his, soon to be, ex wife's pillow.
Randomize
