I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
my desire to fuck abstract ideas (bravery, love, popsicls,,) increases by 8bajillion% when I'm high
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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