we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
Well I'm drunk and covered in baby oil so tonights not ideal
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
omg i wish you could see the front of my car.
There's literally a dust print of your body and your arm trying to hold on and the other one where your fingers visibly dragged down the hood.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
He's got a big dick, a steady job and tells me I'm pretty. There is litterally nothing else I look for I a guy.
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
