I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
That's awesome and prob the first time you had an idea of what to do. I'm super proud of you Chelz
Its cos im stoned ! My high self is maturing
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
So high I legit spent 20mins in the shower just holding my tits cuz they feel bigger than normal.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
When we got into his bed, his damn parrot started making sex noises in the other room
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
