Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Just had a threesome with a hot Turkish guy and an even hotter French lawyer. This what happens when I travel alone. You have only yourself to blame for this.
Thats like me asking what you think of antisocial polish guys with mysterious rashes
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
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