I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
nothing like celebrating the fact that you're not a father by trying to impregnate other women
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Randomize
