Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
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