and by charming I mean he has a horse cock.
I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
I'm pretty sure they kept making references about gangbanging me but I was too stoned to catch on, I just sat there and stared at his kitten.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
Randomize
