I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
When I stretch out her lips her vagina looks like a dolphin...this birthmark is awesome
Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Teenager with grandparents staying in their room: is to blue balls, as parent waiting for teen to come home safe: is to sleep. You will live- love mom
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Stop getting drunk and running away. I can'tell chase you. Iim in heels and have big boobs. Running is a bad idea for me.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize
