Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
It's a good thing i didn't end up pregnant...i would have had to figure out his last name.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
You took a bag of frozen peas to bed wiith you "to help with the inflamation".
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Must be why he thought choking was foreplay. Like WTF? No.
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