I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
Is it weird I want to fuck the cartoon chick from e-surance??
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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