i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
Hindsight is 20/20. Or a bladder infection.
You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
I appreciate you letting me know that the bird died but why didn't you do something about the corpse? or at least give me a heads up that it was still in the cage..Jesus
you have no idea how hungover I am. I can't deal with death right now.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
Oh I fucked him, definitely. We played Strip Halo.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Randomize
