Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.
Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Randomize
