She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.
I have no idea what happened last night, but you're the only person I remember smashing my face into. Be honored.
Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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