Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
did you make it home?
i'm in a room and it looks like mine :)
hahah close nuff if it isnt
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