I can't watch pbs sober anymore
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
Oh I'm sorry does your girlfriend send you better pictures of things in her ass? No? Didn't think so. Remember that the next time you wanna complain how I don't make the first move enough.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Randomize
