Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
We may or may not have a drunk cat on our hands.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
of course we called 911. an innocent mans booze was at steak
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
