Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
ACTUALLY FUNNIEST MOMENT OF THE NIGHT WAS WHEN YOU WERE TALKING TO HIM AND YOU SAID "WHEN YOU MEET ME IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE A LOT ANGRIER." And then he said "WHEN I MEET YOU IN REAL LIFE I WILL BE LESS DRUNK, HOPEFULLY."
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I'm experimenting with sincerity
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
