I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Randomize
