you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
you're hired as official boob wrangler
I'm trying to fuck him and feed him. I don't understand why it isn't working.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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