i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I have a friend that keeps saying he wants to go bear hunting. Thought I would say just walk down church street at night. What intersection is it?
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
You showed up at 4 am holding a beer and wearing a wig you apparently found in the dumpster.
That explains some things...
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