I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
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Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
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