Your face is a jimmy john
I accidentally burped into my bong.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
