Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
29 Frat Parties That Got Way Too Out Of Control
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
Do you think if I tell the hot Santa at work that I want a sugar daddy for Christmas that he'll get the hint?
15 Ridiculous Ways Broke People Managed to Make a Buck
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
Starting this Monday as I always do
With a desperate plea for help
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity