well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette