Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
