Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
You stared at a Swedish dude for like 5 minutes then asked him "shouldn't you be yelling at dragons"
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
