Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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