She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
will barter weed for kareoke machine...
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i want to go make food but i'll have to face my mom after telling her that the random i'm sleeping with, whose name i don't know, told me I was "too slutty to be his girlfriend" when i was drunk last night
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
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