I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
Randomize
