Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Drunk life lesson just learned the hard way: do not try to play hump the great dane. He may take you up on it.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
She just asked me if I was going to stay the night. I responded "I know that we are upside down".
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.