Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
I told my girl, that I use to jerk off to Star Trek. All she says is, "Oh my gawd, you're such a trekie!". If I was her, I'd be weirded out more than me being a Trek Fan.
this boner is exhausting
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
21 NSFW Facts About Famous Celebrities That Will Blow Your Mind
Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
These Are 19 of the Most Horrible Strangers People Had to Sit Next to
Oh my god. I'm not ready to be an adult. I'm not ready.
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident