she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
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He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
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Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I literally just rubbed my stomach and told my liver to "hang in there baby"
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.