I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
been sitting in chapter for 25 minutes. drinking last night's franzia out of a XXX vitamin water 10 bottle. recruitment chair has no idea. life is good.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.