her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
