The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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